Dealing with Insecurity
by Katherine Morris
If there’s one thing I’ve learned as a grown woman, it’s that most women are alike when it comes to insecurity in relationships. We tend to trust our spouses but with constant reservation. I believe a lot of this comes from our comparing ourselves to the “perfect woman” the media bombards us with on television and internet. I have been married almost nine years and have been on a roller coaster of trust and distrust, security and insecurity, and have successfully become secure in my marriage and my husband’s love for me. I would like to share some of our story to encourage you and perhaps give guidance on the way to freedom from insecurity.
My husband and I married during our last semester of college and immediately became pregnant. After graduating, we bought our first home and started new jobs. Several months after our daughter was born, my husband was mobilized with his Marine reserves unit and left me at home as a single parent. While he was gone, I consumed myself with staying busy and taking care of me. Well, most men need to be affirmed and feel appreciated and since my husband wasn’t finding that with me, he found it elsewhere. He immediately confessed and was truly repentant, but it did change our relationship. I became the FBI- Family Bureau of Investigation, and was full of questions for him. Of course, for awhile after infidelity, it’s your right to have questions and feel wronged. However, one or two years later, your husband will have grown very tired of defending himself at every turn.
Learning to trust again is very difficult, but if both of you are committed to the relationship, it can be achieved! We eventually went to counseling, and hearing my husband say that what he did was completely about him-not me- was a huge step to freedom for me. I had become consumed with checking his computer history, or asking him where he had been, who he was with and how was his thought life. I thought that if I “kept him in check,” it would make sure he never strayed again-in his actions and thoughts. However, my husband has helped me realize over the years that his thought life and his actions are not my responsibility-and worrying myself sick about them only hurts me. I became so insecure about myself and that made me less attractive to him. Only when I finally released my husband to God and focused on myself did I truly find freedom from insecurity and suspicion. Then, when he wasn’t being confronted at every turn, he began to appreciate and love me in a whole new way.
I occasionally relapse into insecurity-and I have found my triggers are when I’m not spending time with the Lord, and when I go onto his laptop. I have an overwhelming desire to check his internet history and if I try hard enough, I almost always find something “suspicious.” It’s like I create a scenario just to justify my snooping. However, my husband has never given me reason to investigate, and if I let my mind head down the “what if” path, I drive myself crazy with insecurity and suspicion. I encourage you today, if you struggle with insecurity in your marriage like I have, to turn inward and truly evaluate where your self-worth is coming from.
Galatians 1:10 says, “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” If we are looking for our self-worth to come from our husbands, we will constantly be disappointed, because they are humans-who are imperfect. As wives, we can’t be constantly waiting and watching for them to fail. Instead, love your husband unconditionally and you will find him returning the same love-and both of you will have security and communion that you would have never imagined possible!
About the Author:
I am a Registered Nurse who has chosen to be a stay-at-home mom to support my husband in his Army career. I have 3 children, ages 11, 8 and 4. We are currently stationed in WA state and I stay busy with the kids’ schedules and taking care of myself. I was recently diagnosed with Polymyositis, which is a very rare and debilitating disease. Writing is a nice outlet for me because it’s something I can do while sitting at the computer. The Lord is using this time to teach me to trust in Him and to be content in all circumstances.