Q: Dear Kathy,

“I am in need of some encouragement and honest advice….my MIL wants to come visit during my husbands two week R&R. I am really struggling with this and would like to know what you all think…we have four children and they all miss their Daddy deeply! Am I being too selfish by thinking this short amount of time should just be for them and I?”

“My husband is coming home for R&R, my MIL wants to come for a visit. How do I gently tell her we need some time just with our own family? What do I do if she disagrees?”

A: A two-week R & R goes by extremely quickly and every family chooses to make the most of those days differently. I would hope the goal and purpose of all those involved would be to give their military loved one time to rest, relax, reconnect, and rejuvenate by allowing them to spend time with those that will help them to do this. What works for one family will not be the solution for another, so below, I will address a few different situations.

If you and your husband have decided to keep the short R&R for immediate family only, the sooner this is relayed to the rest of the family the better. Communicating this prior to the son/husband leaving may be the best option. That would eliminate misunderstanding during the deployment about when to make plans. Another fact for parents to remember is that R&R dates can change, requiring flexibility for the immediate family and difficulty planning ahead.

There are three things that would make this choice easier for the in-laws to accept.
1) The couple should be in complete agreement, and willing to remind one another of their decision if and/or when the family puts pressure on them to change their plans.
2) Except in special circumstance, the ‘no extended family during deployment’ plan needs to apply to both sets of in-laws, possibly alleviating hurt feelings on either side.
3) Assure the extended family that after the deployment there will definitely be time to visit.

If you want to include parents and/or in-laws and they live nearby, maybe a date for breakfast or lunch with her son could be arranged, or possibly a dinner at home or an outing with the entire family.

If you want to include extended family and they must travel to visit, and especially if they’d be staying with the family, encourage her to come on your terms. Graciously let her know that although you understand her excitement about seeing her son that you want to give him time to rest and reconnect with his family so you’d appreciate it she kept her visit limited to one or two nights. One advantage to an overnight visit if you have children, is she’s usually more than ready and willing to babysit giving you time to get away for a date!

When speaking with a MIL about a possible visit during this time, many times it’s all in the approach we take so I encourage you to embrace Solomon’s advice on this. Proverbs 16:24 “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

If it’s hard to talk with your MIL, and I know we can be an obstinate bunch at times, you may tell her that you aren’t planning anything at all until he arrives to see what he wants to do, or you may need to pull yourself out of the middle and allow your husband to be the one that discusses the R&R visit with her. I realize this is tough for many while they are deployed, but if your MIL doesn’t respect your suggestions, hopefully she would honor her son’s.

I pray that for each of you reading this, when it’s time for your family’s R&R it will a time of great rejoicing filled with family, laughter and love.

About Kathy:
Kathy Guzzo is a contributing author for Faith Deployed…Again by Jocelyn Green, a regular contributor to Homefrontunitednetwork.com, faithdeployed.com, and differentdream.com. She wrote the brochure, “Deployment, What’s a Family To Do?” and writes a bi-monthly newsletter sent to women around the nation. She leads Hope At Home Ministry; a support group for women with loved ones in the military. Kathy and her husband, Mickey, have four adult children and live in Rockford, Illinois. Their son served in the USMC from 2004-2008. She welcomes your questions at kathy.l.guzzo@gmail.com. Read more about her here.