Nobody Knows My Name
by Susan Miller
I did it when I moved. You’ve probably done it when you’ve moved too. It was easier for me not to invest my life and time into building relationships, or spend the energy and heart-felt emotion it takes to make new friends, because I knew I would be moving again and it would hurt too much to say goodbye.
With each move, I was emotionally drained with the loss of friends. The sadness of leaving behind the people I had come to love made it easy to build walls around my heart. So often I would go into my “protective mode” to keep relationships from touching my life. I made no effort to connect with people, to open my heart to anyone, or to fill the emptiness. After shutting down relationally for many moves, it finally became clear to me that the risk it took to make a friend brought far more laughter than tears, more memories than regrets, more joy than sorrow, and a feeling of closeness that spanned separation across the miles. I made the choice (key word—choice) to do whatever it took—joining up, joining in, getting involved, participating, volunteering—just showing up to meet new people and make new friends!
Perhaps you’ve “moved in my shoes” and have felt the same emotions when it comes to connecting with people. Perhaps you are struggling without a friend right now and yearn for someone to connect with. When I was invited to speak for a Faithlift Conference at Yongsan Army Post in Seoul, Korea, I spoke to one of our PWOC classes for women who move. (Check out our Moving On After Moving In classes at your PWOC.)
I noticed all the women were chatting with each other like close friends, except one woman, who came into the room alone. Recognizing that she was new, everyone quickly embraced her and by the time she left, she had connected with the group and made some new friends. The rest of the week, it was a joy for me to see her “show up” at different events and begin to build relationships with the women. I know taking that first step to walk through the door and into a room of strangers wasn’t easy, but well worth it in the long run!
When we move, so many of the things we leave behind can be replaced rather quickly, and life then resumes its pace with a fairly normal rhythm. Friendships are the exception. The void created by the absence of a friend leaves a gaping wound in our hearts, and the longing for shared intimacy with a friend keeps us out of step with the world around us. Now is the time for you to take a giant step towards building relationships and making new friends. Here are a few ways to help you take that first step:
- Put on a happy face and smile.
- Find something you have in common with people you meet.
- Ask questions.
- Invite someone to lunch or coffee.
- Take your kids to the park.
- Find a church.
- Remember, to have a friend, you must be a friend!
- Sometimes, all you need to do is show up.
Remember, finding a friend begins with you. So put your best foot forward and take that first step. There is a new friend out there just waiting to meet you!
About the Author:
Susan Miller is Founder and President of Just Moved Ministry, a faith-based organization dedicated to giving hope to uprooted women. She has written five books, including After the Boxes Are Unpacked and But Mom, I Don’t Want to Move! She is also the author of the study, Moving On After Moving In, which is offered in churches, neighborhoods, military installations, and among corporate expatriates all over the world.
Susan is a popular speaker nationally and internationally, at conferences, women’s events, churches, and with the military. Her father and husband served in the Air Force and she travels the world to speak to military spouses. Susan has two children and six grandchildren. She resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. Learn more about Susan and Just Moved at www.justmoved.org.
I remember early in my mil. spouse days, meeting a “senior spouse” who made the comment that she didn’t make friends anymore, because it hurt too much to say goodbye. My young self was appalled. Now, 23 years and 12+ moves later, I do know how she felt. It IS an effort to put yourself out there, but oh, so worth it. I think of all the friends I have across the world, and I’m so glad I got to know them, even if for a short while. Great article, and great encouragement!
Great article … my only reminder would be that it can be so hard when you don’t live on post and live a little away even. Many times those in civilian communities who haven’t moved much have no idea how hard it is to be reconnected
I agree!!
As a young USMC wife (I’m only 21)I find it most difficult to find friends who accept that we don’t have nor want kids right now. It seems to me that most women my age have at least 2 kids and that’s all they can talk about. Don’t get me wrong, I love children and look forward to having my own one day, but not now. The women don’t understand that I don’t want to sit around and discuss the differences in formula and the benefits in breast milk, or what teether their young angel is finally taking (all of which is great,, I’ve learned a lot), but I’m a fashion merchandising major with a passion for actually living independently with my myself and husband before we start a family. Would it be awfully horrible and prejudice to try and start a group where women who have other interests aside from their children, or a group for women, like myself who don’t have children. I only ask because I don’t want to be shunted from the big base wives group simply because I want to talk about other things.
thanks for your kind time,
Lauren
Hi Lauren! I also find it difficult to find married friends with no kids, so totally understand. Children are a blessing and God provides us with them in His own timing!
You are focusing on building a strong foundation for your marriage and career right now, which will set you guys up to be great parents later on, right? Rock on, sister! I wish you the best and hope you can find friends at every duty station. I believe we should all show eachother compassion, because finding friends to hang out with and love is a tough one. ~Blessings! Alexandra, Proud Wife in Bamberg, Germany
I agree, it is more difficult to fit into the military wives culture when you don’t have children. I might suggest you see if there is a smaller group within the spouses club that focuses on something you’re interested in. I have seen groups for running, cooking, Bunco, quilting, photography, hiking… These smaller groups with a purpose can be a great way to meet other people with shared interests. If they don’t have one that you’re interested in, you can always start one yourself. Good luck.
Interesting… before we moved last year, I told my friend that my greatest fear would be to get to our new destination and say we are only going to be here for a couple of years and to “crawl into a hole” and “survive”. A great reminder that even knowing that there will be emotional pain, the emotional happiness of right now is so worth it to make and have the friends.
I love this! I may have to save it for future use. Nobody likes being new, I always felt like I was having to prove myself over-and-over again. Eventually I just focused on being myself and assuming that every new face was worth meeting. Those times I stepped out of my comfort zone were worth it. Thanks!!